Confessions of a Cheapskate

This video from Good Morning America leaves me stunned.

I am not stunned over the total; I think give any coupon person a stack of inserts, a printer ready to go, a stack of grocery ads and unlimited time and eventually they’d all be able to come up with one transaction like this. It might mean a cart full of Perrier water, Dulcolax and glucose meters, but it’ll be large, impressive, and free.

I was stunned because the transaction went through without a hitch.

Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve been on a quest for The Perfect Receipt. I’d like to be able to demonstrate the way I shop for people who may need a little visual help to understand. Unfortunately, I never have a perfect transaction.

From the shelves being bare, or a catalina coupon not printing, missing or erroneous shelf tags, to a nasty employee, I rarely walk out of a place like Meijer feeling happy and satisfied. Usually when my husband catches me looking over a receipt, he only asks, “How did they fuck you over this week?”

Yesterday I had a great Meijer day. Everything I wanted was in stock. I didn’t wait in line very long. My cashier was friendly. When my coupons didn’t scan, and the store ones rarely do, the cashier put them through without throwing an accusation at me, without sucking in her lips, shaking her head, rolling her eyes or slamming on the register keys hard. She even told me to have a good day. I was so confused it took me a moment to return the well wishes and the sincere smile.

I was so taken aback by the experience that I got half way out the door before I realized that I was missing one Catalina coupon I’d expected for the cheese I’d bought. I went to the service desk and I found yet another happy employee.

At this point, I was juggling the possibilities in my head:

A) There had been a holiday lunch in the back room and someone spiked the punch…

B) Seasonal help was told that if they were friendly enough they’d get to keep their jobs, and they showed a machine with lots of shiny buttons and blinking lights that they called a Smile-O-Meter and really sold them on the idea that it monitored their job performance…

C) Aliens had invaded and their sinister plan used the grocery store distribution chain to spread their evildoing, and this midwest one stop shopping center was ground zero, the infiltration had begun…

D) There was a hidden camera somewhere and I could expect a pie in the face at any moment…

E) One of those lobsters had broken through it’s rubber band handcuffs that had been infected with a virus that caused smiling and happiness, and he’d managed to spread his happy venom throughout the store… or E2) Employees were given a mandatory flu shot that was prepared by Rasta Reefer guys with dreadlocks who added a little happy ya mon…

(You get the picture.)

For once, I got in my car and Meijer didn’t ruin my day. I decided to march right back in and complete a second transaction just to push my luck. I encountered a third happy employee, who, from the non-blinking constipated look on her face was totally a pod person. Anyway, that one worked out well too.

When I got home, well, that’s when I noticed the check cashing fee that I was charged for in error.

Foiled again! Once again, I have a receipt that requires an explanation. I am trying to make this look easy and simple, and this is what the One Cent Mom did on GMA, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

I hereby declare Shenanigans on this video. Shenanigans! They must have called out some pasty kid from a tech lab somewhere who has actually torn apart the register with his bare hands, knows codes that no one else knows, is intimate with the working knowledge of how everything works and says things like, “Everyone knows you can’t use a code 472 if you’ve depressed the Shift KTI key (spittle) what are you, some kind of (insert obscure reference to dumb guy in some video game you’ve never heard of here)?” They must have taken that kid and given him all the free Red Bull and Twizzlers he wanted, gave him some prep time to study the store policies to handle this transaction and I think someone lied to him and told him that girls would like him if he did everything right.

If you watch the look on the lady’s face, you’ll see she was nervous. It wasn’t because she didn’t know what the total was going to be. It was because she had expected that cashier to stop at any moment and accuse her of something or call over a manager to read some fine print, or pull a box of cereal out to make sure it was the 15.3 ounce box and not the 15.6 ounce box, etc., etc.

I don’t doubt the legitimacy of this transaction, I just think there was probably a little pow-wow between store and shopper and camera before this lady just happily bounced through the checkout.

As for the $4 per week for a family of 6, I don’t know how she does it. I am not worthy! She’s not a mere coupon Queen. No, no, no, she’s above being a mortal royal, she’s a coupon Goddess. Someday I wish to get more for free than just fiber supplements and hearing aid batteries, and be just like her.

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